let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
