I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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