the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
