one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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