I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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