I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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