I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
