I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
