I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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