If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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