my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
