how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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