chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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