Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
