I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
