I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
