nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
