At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
