Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
