I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
