I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
