so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
