I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
