I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
