Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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