I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
