Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
