Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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