we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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