you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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