I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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