I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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