You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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