Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
