I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
