very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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