I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
