Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm going to jail i love you
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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