You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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