I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
