I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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