I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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