my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
