come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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