My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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