Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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