remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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