I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
