So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
