he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
