Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
