walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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