Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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