I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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