to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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