the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
