Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
