Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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