My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
birth control should be required to get into college
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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