I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
