hotel room ftw
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
